THE DAVID COOPER SHOW

Season 1. Episode 1&2 “Eggshells” Pt.1&2

INT. David’s Bedroom - Saturday Morning

David is having a dream in which he is recording an episode of his show “This Is Going Well, I Think.”

We show a clip from the show intercut with David tossing and turning.

David wakes up with a start.

Miranda: What’s the matter?
David: I was having this eerie dream where I was doing the show and no one was calling in and there was no one outside the window.
Miranda: So, basically every episode?
David: Yes, nothing out of the ordinary in that sense. I just kept waking up and I was still doing the show over and over again…It was horrible.
Miranda: Well, you’re not doing the show any more.
David: Aren’t I?
Miranda: Wakey wakey,… (touching David’s sceptre and jewels under the covers)
David: Ouch…You’re pulling too hard.
Miranda: How about now?
David: Better, just be firm like a good handshake. I want to know you’re there just don’t crush me.
Miranda: Please! I know your penis better than anyone. I’ll get it to stand up tall like a statue of Theodor Herzl.
David: Not better than me! I’m the world’s foremost expert on my penis.
Miranda: How’s this….? (Massaging David)
David: It’s going well, I think.
Miranda: With the exception of your ex-wife I might be one of the most knowledgeable people on your little mensch down there.
David: Little mensch? You’ve really been incorporating Yiddish into your vocabulary.
Miranda: Not bad for a shiksa, right?

(Ring, Ring, Ring)

David picks up his cellphone.

Carmen: Hi Sweetie. How are you?
David: Hi mother, we were just talking about you.
Carmen: Where are you?
David: I’m still in bed with Miranda.
Carmen: Oh, that’s wonderful.

Miranda starts touching David.

Miranda: (whispering) I know what Mr. Herzl likes…
David: Stop it.
Carmen: Stop what, honey?
David: Oh, Miranda is just making us some coffee and wouldn’t you know, she’s making a mess.
Miranda: Yeah David. It’s really spilling all over the place (still rubbing David) Are you almost finished?
David: Yes, Yes, I’ll be right there. (annoyed)
Carmen: Did I catch you at a bad time?
David: No, your timing is always perfect. What’s up?
Carmen: I really wish you had come home for the Seder this year. Everybody is going to be there. Johnny is bringing his dogs over and he even invited Caitlin to it.
David: My ex-wife is coming to our Seder?
Carmen: She’s a lovely girl. We love her even more now that you’re divorced.
David: Well, if only you could have loved her while we were still married.
Carmen: Spilled milk, I’m afraid. Honey, I don’t mean to bother you but your father was wondering if you could pay for his Lexus insurance this year.

David waives off Miranda. She stops.

David: Is dad having money problems again?
Carmen: No, it’s fine. He just needs a little help. He made a few bad investments recently. The stock market is down, bonds are up or something like that.
David: Bad investments? I told him not to sink any more money into that Choo Choo Chuckie’s idea.
Carmen: It sounded good, okay? Who wouldn’t want to go to a restaurant and have your food delivered by a miniature train? … What’s that? You’re dad is saying something.

Mumbles off camera.—(David’s dad mumbling will be a recurring gag)

Carmen: He says there was a licensing issue with Thomas the Tank Engine…I don’t know.
David: Why can’t Johnny help out too?
Carmen: Your brother has five dogs to feed. It’s expensive to feed dogs. You want his dogs to go hungry?
David: No, I’m just saying he should be helping our father too.
Carmen: He’s got dogs. Okay. Leave it alone. Talk to him about it. Anyways, I must go. Honey, I’ll wait for your e-transfer. Love you.

—The phone hangs up…

David: It’s not enough that I live in San Francisco but I’ve got to pay for Choo Choo Chuckie’s too?
Miranda: I liked Choo Choo Chuckies. I thought that was a winner.
David: Do you think our Menorah would sever my carotid artery?
Miranda: I don’t like that talk. I was trying to make you happy and look what I get for it. That’s one Mr. Herzl credit used up.
David: Why is life so difficult? Can’t we just go back to bed?
Miranda: C’mon, stop complaining or I’ll turn in that marker for an extra-long you-know-what session later.
David: (rubbing his jaw) No, anything except that. I’ll do anything.
Miranda: We’ve still got to buy supplies for tonight. Stop kvetching and get out of bed.
David: Kvetching. Nice.

Cut To:

Ext. David and Miranda’s apartment - Near Valencia St—San Francisco

David and Miranda exit their apartment and no sooner do they step on to the street then a bike comes to a screech in front of them.

Female Messenger: It’s a bike lane dude. Get out of the way.
Miranda: Step aside, David.
David: We didn’t see you. Sorry.
Female Messenger: SARRY? You mean SOHRY.
David: I’m Canadian. But I do support bike lanes and I do apologize for nearly getting run over by you...Over-apologizing is very Canadian.
Female Messenger: It’s a weekday. Do you not have jobs or is your job to prevent me from doing mine?
David: It’s a Jewish Holiday. It’s Passover.
Female Biker: Oh shit, I guess that explains it. I’m sorry for being bitchy. I actually love Jews.
David: Really? You want to come to our Seder tonight?
Miranda: David, stop it. He’s joking.
David: I’m not. I’ve never been more serious about anything in my life. We made good eye contact during that near collision.
Female Messenger: Uh, are you sure? I nearly ran you over. I feel like you’re putting me on.
David: It’s traditional to invite strangers to the seder and you seem really strange…But I like you. You’re got just the right level of hostility for me.
Female Messenger: Okay, well, if you’re serious, here’s my number. My name is Andrea. I can bring some extra food from work too.
David: Andrea, you’re going to love it. Sigmund Freud is coming. Einstein. Stephen Miller. All my favourite Jews.
Female Messenger: You’re kind of triggering, you know that?
David: So I’ve been told.
Female Messenger: Well, I guess I’ll see you at the “seder.”
David: I like your Feel the Bern pin by the way.
Female Messenger: Thanks! See you later!
David: Free Palestine!

The bike messenger speeds off…

David: Is Stephen Miller still coming to dinner tonight?
Miranda: Very funny.
David: I mean, the worst Jew is still better than a moderate gentile, right?
Miranda: Not true.
David: Its settled. He can skip dinner but he’s welcome to come for dessert.

Cut to:

Int. Coffeeshop- later

David and Miranda walk into Starbucks and wait in line.

David: I kind of miss Toronto. It actually rained over there. People were polite. The streets were clean.
Miranda: The grass is always greener on the other side.
David: What do you think of grass?
Miranda: What do you mean?
David: I mean, why is there so much of it? Where did it come from? What it does it want?

—Miranda makes a face at David.

David ignores Miranda.

David: I really need to pee.
Miranda: You just went.
David: It’s a residual pee.
Miranda: Okay.

David walks toward the bathroom. There are three: one for men, one for women, and one that is gender neutral. A mother and her son are waiting at the doors of the women’s restroom. David sees this and tries to open the men’s bathroom. It’s locked. He then tries to open the gender neutral bathroom. It’s also locked. He really needs to pee.

Jack (one of David’s wacky guests comes out of the women’s bathroom)

Mother: Sir, we were waiting a really long time for you and you’re in the wrong bathroom.
Jack: Exqueezeme. Okay. Please adjust your attitude hashtag behindthetimes hashtag heteroprivilege.
Mother: You are clearly using the women’s bathroom and you aren’t a woman.
Jack: I’m presenting as female today and who are you to tell me how I identify?
Mother: My son and
I shouldn’t have to wait while you do your make-up.
Jack: Your son is in the women’s bathroom right now. Just please talk to the hand. I can’t deal. I really can’t deal right now.
Mother: Well, I can’t go into the men’s now can I?
David: Isn’t this really a non-issue? Anyone can go into any bathroom nowadays as long as they’ve got some spunk.
Jack: Finally! Someone gets it.

Felicia, Jack’s best friend walks out of the gender neutral bathroom.

David: There’s really no difference between the bathrooms aside from cleanliness now is there? You’ve got really dirty, somewhat dirty and sparking clean.
Felicia: Exactly! Down with categories. Stop putting people in square boxes.
David: Vive le France! End gender oppression. Long live various levels of filth!

The mother and son go into the gender-neutral bathroom in a huff.

Jack: What’s your name sailor?
David: David.
Jack: Daveed. That was hot.
Felicia: Yeah. You’re our hero.
David: You guys know each other?
Felecia: We’re like sisters from another mother. Can’t you tell?
David: You’re both hilarious. You should come on my radio show.
Jack: Umm...yes! I consent. We’ll come on as your guests. As long as you let us buy you a coffee.
Harvey Milk would be proud.
David: You guys want to come to my Seder?

Cut To—

David ambles back to the front of the coffee shop where Miranda is already sitting. Jack and Felicia are in the deep background walking past.

He sits down at the table.

David: Well, I caused a little bit of a stir in front of the bathrooms (Proud).
Miranda: It wouldn’t be the first time.
David: Would you be terribly upset if I invited a couple more people to our Seder?
Miranda: I guess that’s okay. Who are they?
David: There a nice pair I just met five minutes ago in front of the bathroom (meekly).
Miranda: Oy gevult David! If this Seder gets any more crowded it will be standing room only.

David gets a call—

David: It’s Dan Linley.
Miranda: Okay, take it. I’m just saying, no more seder-guests. I mean it. We cant afford all this gefilte fish.

David gets up from the table and walks outside the restaurant.

Dan: Hello sir! How are you today? Just wanted to wish you a peaceful pesach.
David: Very well, thanks and you? I didn’t realize you knew Hebrew.
Dan: Wikipedia is a website I frequent. By the way, I noticed you posted a little ‘story’ on the FB and there was even a private event page to go with it.
David: Dan, I’m having a little trouble hearing you, Dan? You there?

Dan Linley rounds in the corner and walks by David without realizing it.

Dan: I’m here. I’m here. I was just in the middle of saying…
David: Dan! Hey Dan! Behind you.

Dan turns around.

David: Hey brother.
Dan: Goodmorgen, bestie.
David: Wow. Bestie? I wasn’t sure you even liked me.
Dan: Soo, what’s this Passover extravaganza all about? You didn’t think I was worthy to sit at your Seder table?
David: I’m kind of speechless actually. You were the first person we invited. There must have been some technical issue.

—David is lying but selling it well.

Dan: Really? Man, I feel like a dick. I’m sorry. That’s really sweet of you.
David: Yeah, technology failed us. Well, are you still free?
Dan: Let me check my calendar (Dan does a double take at his phone and pushes a few buttons)…

There is a pregnant pause.

Dan: I’m just joshing you man. Of course I’m free.
David: It settled then. See you at 6?
Dan: You have to go?
David: I’m just having coffee with Miranda. Between you an me, she’s just a little testy. You know “relationship” stuff.
Dan: You’re not going to invite me in? Into the coffeeshop?
David: Oh, I just assumed you had plans for the rest of the day. You want to come in and say hi?
Dan: Of course I do. Ya big goof!

—Dan opens the door to the coffee shop.

Dan: After you?
David: Uhh, thanks.

Dan: Hey Miranda!
Miranda: Hey Dan, how are you?

Hugs all around.

Dan: What a happy coincidence running into you two revelers!
David: I’ll say. What we were you doing in the neighborhood?
Dan: There’s a tennis shop around the corner, I was just getting my racket tuned up.
David: Do you name your racquets? Or is that only something musicians do with their instruments?
Dan: My favorite racquet is named Esther and my other favorite racquet is named Mordechai. Which you might recognize from the Jewish story of Purim.
David: Pureem?
Dan: I believe it’s pronounced “Poor him.”
Miranda: WOW. You really know your stuff, Dan.
David: Pesach, Purim, I’m really impressed. I had no idea you were so knowledgeable about Jewish history.
Dan: I’ve got years of Catholic school under my belt, David.
David: Were the priests interested in what was under your belt too?
Miranda: David, please. That was a low blow.
Dan: Spare me your pedo puns.
I’ve heard em all. On a serious note, I wanted to discuss my new play with you.
David: Sure, what’s your play about?
Dan: It’s about a magical rotary phone that allows my central character to call his future 44 year-old self once a year on New Year’s eve.

—cut to David and Miranda sitting and listening in rapt attention

David: Okay...

Dan: His life slowly becomes ruined by these conversations. The play ends when the character turns 44 and picks up the phone and speaks to himself at 33.—Every scene is set on New Year’s eve.

——Dan is waiting for approval—

Miranda: That sounds amazing.
David: High-concept. Love it Dan.
Dan: My working title is Memory Phone.

David is underwhelmed—

David: Memory Phone? Well...it’s just a working title, right.
Dan: What? You don’t like it?
David: Umm...no, it’s good, ha. I just think it sounds like Memory Foam.
Miranda: David!
Dan: David, no one is going to make that association. This play is about memory. It’s about my relationship with my father and the horrible decade of my life between my thirties and fourties. No one is going to be thinking about mattresses.
David: I still think it sounds very similar to memory foam.
Miranda: This is ridiculous. Dan wrote an amazing play and you are being negative.
David: I’m sticking to my guns here. I think you should change the title.
Dan: Not only will I not change the title. I’m now definitely calling it Memory Phone.
David: Think it over...
Dan: Despite how petty this sounds I want to teach you a lesson about how difficult it is to actually write something and put yourself out there.
David: What are you suggesting?
Dan: A little sporting wager. Why don’t we choose a topic that we both have to write a creative piece about!?
David: I’m terrible at this sort of thing but I’ll indulge you because I feel like you are being too sensitive.
Miranda: Is this really necessary...what are you two going to write about?
Dan: Something perchance appropriate to your Seder soirée? I couldn’t possibly Passover this opportunity to see you with some metaphoric egg on your face. We could take it right off the Seder plate.

Dan motions to leave...

Bye for now l!(He giggles as he leaves the shop)

The door closes.

David: Well that was bizarre.
Miranda: You invited him to the Seder? You know how I feel about Dan, he’s fine in small doses.

—-David looks off camera nervously and then rustles up a smile for Miranda.

—CUT TO…

David and Miranda are leaving the grocery store with a handful of groceries in preparation for the Seder.

A young orthodox man approaches David

Mendel: Jewish? Are you Jewish?
David: Look at this eyeware and tell me I’m not.
Mendel: What’s your name?
David: I’m David.
Mendel: Nice to meet you David,
I’m Mendel. Would you put on Teffilin? It’s a big mitzvah. You know it’s Passover tonight.
David: Ordinarily I would Mendel but we’ve got to get ready for the big night. The Chinese food won’t order itself, you know.
Mendel: What about your girlfriend? Your wife? Are you Jewish?
Miranda: No, I’m afraid not.
David: We’re not married. I actually just got divorced.
Mendel: Sorry to hear that. Would you like some matzah for the Seder tonight?
David: We’ve got matzah right here in our grocery bag, Mendel. And if I eat any more Matzah you know I might not be able to you know...
Mendel: What?
David: You know what I’m talking about!
Mendel: No, I’m not sure I do.
David: Too much Matzah? ...(Digging)
The IBS? (Digging)

Trouble going No.2 ? (Digging)