Anonymous
Re: wiscousin
Thu Dec 19, 2019 15:22
99.239.101.162

David: Are you sure you’re part of the tribe?
Mendel: I don’t know what you’re talking about but you’re a funny guy. You should come to Chabad sometime. We’re close by. We’re in the neighborhood. Both of you are welcome.
Miranda: That’s very nice of you Mendel! What a mensch.
Mendel: You’re welcome.
(Some other people walking by)
Jewish? Jewish? (Winking to David and Miranda) Rolex? Chanel? (Ironically)
David: It’s nice to have met you. I’m late for an appointment with my therapist and he’s going to guilt me over it.
Mendel: Therapist? What do you need therapy for? All you need is G-d.
David: (To Miranda) That’s a Beatles song, right?
Mendel: Take some candles for the Seder at least.
David: Why thank you Mendel! You’re welcome to come on my podcast sometime.
Mendel: Podcast? Wait a second, you’re the guy on Valencia street, right? I thought I recognized you.
David: You’re saying I’ve got fans in the orthodox community?
Mendel: Jew Pizza? That’s the name of your show, right?
David: Not exactly...that’s my website.
Mendel: Yeah, me and some of the boys from Chabad have walked by your show. I’d love to be on sometime, could help to get the message out about our mission in the mission.
David: Absolutely. Why don’t you stop by my place tonight if you want a taste of an alternative seder?
Mendel: Alternative Seder? Sounds dangerous.
Miranda: He’s literally inviting everyone we meet today. This Seder
is going to be bursting at the seams.
David: She’s just mad it’s not Christmas.
Mendel: Christmas, oy. David, I won’t make any promises but maybe I’ll stop by late tonight.
David: Mendel baby, you won’t regret it.

CUT TO INT. David’s Psychiatrist’s Office

We only see David on the couch. Doctor Zed is heard offscreen.

David: OK. I get, I’m angry, I’m bitter, I have resentment issues, on top of everything I’m nervous about the Seder story I have to write.
Doctor Zed: Since it’s the end of our session, I’ll give you my advice, I want you to get deep rest, meaningful sleep, run twice a week, continue doing crossword puzzles, and keep up with chess club. Anything to focus you and help you to become more mindful of your own emotions.
David: I told you I don’t like chess club!
Doctor Zed: Okay, then we’ll have a game or two.
David: You always beat me.
Doctor Zed: It’ll be good for both of us.

—David checks his watch.

David: Can we to talk about dosages? I think I need something lighter. What are you “prescribing” me this week?
Doctor Zed: I’ve got an extremely light indica strain but I’ve crossbred it with a slightly more perky sativa because I’ve decided you need a little kick in the butt to get you going. I even named it after you. It’s called Recooperate.
David: I’m flattered, really, but still anxious. How was it for you?
Doctor Zed: It’s like putting on a warm coat on a cool winter evening and walking over to your favourite restaurant, biting into the soft pillowy texture of freshly prepared Gnocchi and washing it down with a ripe red wine. Then it’s ordering that perfect espresso at the end of a satisfying meal.
David: That was a very elaborate description, did you read that off an ad for an Italian restaurant? Just as long as this won’t make me any crazier than I already feel I am.
Doctor Zed: You’re not crazy. You’re as sane as I am.
David: Really? And how sane are you Doctor Zed?
Doctor: Perfectly sane, as aging residents of this neighbourhood go. Trust me, a little“Recooperation,” will do your body good.

Doctor Zed hands David a small baggie of cannabis buds.

David: As long as I keep coming here on a weekly basis, could you at least TRY to act more like a professional therapist, for my benefit?
Doctor Zed: David, I’m a horticulturist, umm, a botanist, some might say I’m a lay homeopathist, but I’m not a licensed therapist. I’ll do my best but you’re welcome to go elsewhere.
David: Oh boy, how much do I owe you for today’s session?
Doctor Zed: That will be 150 dollars, we went ten minutes over but I’ll charge for the hour.
David: 150 bucks? That’s more expensive than last week.
Doctor Zed: What do you expect, this IS San Francisco...Inflation!

Cut To—-

Int. Car

David is in the car with Miranda

David: I’m done. I give up.
Miranda: What’s wrong?
David: I’ve gone from one shrink to another in this town and now I’m just talking to my hippie weed dealer.
Miranda: Doctor Zed is a homeopathist, give him more credit than that. He’s got the hippocratic oath hung above his doorway. “Do no harm.”
David: What good is “Do no harm,” when he’s not doing me any good? Hippocratic, he’s a hypocrite. Plus he’s anti this and anti that. Anti-Vaxx, Anti-fascist, Pro-Bee, Never Trump...his head’s full of slogans.
Miranda: This weed smells ...ing good though!
David: Don’t swear, the director said this show will never get aired if you do.
Miranda: This show? What are you talking about?

—-David looks in the rearview mirror at the camera.

David: Nothing, just talking to myself.

Cut To.

Ext. Near Valencia Neighborhood St. - soon after

Miranda and David are closing the doors to the car and taking out their groceries.

Miranda: I know you’re stressed about your therapists but I’ve got something I have to tell you.
David: Okay, is this like a good news bad news surprise? Like it sounds like bad news but it’s actually something really good?
Miranda: Well, it depends on how you look at it.
David: Lay it on me.
Miranda: Well, remember when we were on that little break a year and half ago? I hooked up with someone and he’s back in town.
David: I thought you told you me about everyone you hooked up with.
Miranda: I left out one.
David: Who is he?
Miranda’s: He’s kind of a celebrity...which is why I couldn’t tell you. He specifically asked me not to say anything.
David: Who is it?
Miranda: He’s a musician. A rapper actually.
David: A rapper? And he’s not from the Bay?
Miranda: He somehow messaged me because he’s friends with Jacob, that old friend of yours from Toronto.
Miranda: Drake? You slept with Drake. Aubrey, I mean.
Miranda: It wasn’t Drake. It was MC Milky Tea.
David: MC Milky Tea? You slept with MC Milky Tea? Who the ... is MC Milky Tea?
Miranda: He’s kind of a big deal...in Britain. He’s British. He’s a trap rapper.
David: And why are you telling me this now?
Miranda: Well, you were inviting all these people to our apartment today and I was waiting for you while you were in your therapy appointment and I kind’ve invited him to our Seder.
David: Should I be worried? I don’t understand why you did that.
Miranda: He’s really sweet and funny. We’re just friends David. You know I love you. I just thought it might be good for you two to finally meet.
David: I’m going to have to smoke some “recooperate” beforehand but I guess it’ll be fine...hehe...hehe..me and MC Milky Tea.

—-end scene

David is lying on the couch with a notepad while Miranda is setting the dining room table...

Miranda: Thanks for the help...really appreciate the effort you’re making.
David: I’m working on my Passover story.
Miranda: Anything good?
David: I’m contemplating the letter “H”
Miranda: Uhuh...
David: The lowercase “H” doesn’t really do the uppercase justice does it?
Miranda: I guess...what does this have to do with Passover?
David: What if the universe is just a giant burp...? You know, a giant intake of breath followed by a cosmic belch.
Miranda: If God made you in his own image that would probably make sense.
David: Breathing seems pretty essential...I don’t see why a higher power wouldn’t need to do it?
Not that I believe in G-O-D.
Miranda: Well, I was raised to think that even if you don’t believe in Him, he believes in you.
David: Don’t make me go on an Atheist rampage, it’s not pretty.
Miranda: Atheist, Smatheist, you need to try harder. Dan is probably going to write something really impressive for tonight.
David: What am I chopped liver over here?
Miranda: Try harder David.
David: Easy for you to say...I’m trying...(David starts singing/humming)
Hare Hare Krishna Hare...hare hare..
Miranda just rolls her eyes...

Int.David and Miranda’s place —later

Miranda: David, we’re out of wine.
David: Really?
Miranda: Yeah. I guess you haven’t noticed the shortage since you stopped drinking.
David: I told you I’m sticking to Maneshevitz tonight, those three cups are going to brutal though. Yuck.
Miranda: Oops. We don’t have Maneschevitz either. Be a dear and go out to get it, won’t you?
David: O...kay.

Cut To —INT Uber—later

David is texting Miranda. CU on his phone. “GOT THE GOOD STUFF. ON MY WAY HOME.”

David’s Uber driver pulls over to the side of the road.

Uber Driver: We just have to pick up another passenger.
David: (under his breath) I knew I should gone with X.

A man comes running out of a convenience store and hurries into the passenger side of the car.

Uber Driver: Hello Sir! Are you Benjamin?
Benjamin: Yeah, that’s me.
Uber Driver: Okay.

The car pulls away.

Another man comes running out of the convenience store, shouting “Hey, stop that car!”

David turns around and looks out of the back of the Uber. He turns back to the new passenger. The new passenger is looking back at him.

David is starting to put two and two together. He is understandably shocked.

Benjamin, the convenience store thief, puts his finger to his lips, and shakes his head.

Uber Driver: Look man, I don’t want any trouble. I let you both off here.
David: Both off? Why both off?

Benjamin motions to the driver with some object in a brown paper bag.

Benjamin: Be cool (checks his phone)...Rajeev. Be cool.
Uber: You two are working together?
David: What? I’ve never met this guy before.
Benjamin: Before you say anything else Mr.Backseat I just want you to know that I’m the victim here. Im a victim of racism, ageism, islamophobia, homophobia, agoraphobia and discrimination of various kinds.
David: Agorophobia?
Benjamin: Spacism. Yes! Society imposing that fear of space on me.
David: Driver...I’m in a bit of rush here. Do you mind making my stop first?
Benjamin: Drop this fool off.

The car pulls up to the side of road and David gets out.

David: Anti-Semites.

—-Cut To INT. David and Miranda’s house.

David opens the door with the bags containing the wine.

He walks into the kitchen where Miranda is cutting vegetables.

Miranda: Everything Okay? You took longer than I expected.
David: Yeah, everything’s fine. I was just delayed by riding in a getaway vehicle.
Miranda: Better get dressed. People arriving soon.

—Cut To

David is dressed in a crisp dress shirt. His hair is wet from a recent shower.

He is looking at a Bible...he appears to be reading it intensely. He jots a few notes down in a black notebook.

We cut to what he’s reading...it’s the division between “Ecclesiastes” and “Song of Solomon.”

He then tears a page from the Bible, (only the sound is heard—we
Don’t need to show it) makes a small fold, tears a tinier piece and then sprinkles some “Recooperate,” into paper which he is rolling in the shape of a joint.

Miranda (OS): People are starting to arrive.
David: Coming...!

Cut To-Int. Front Door—

A few of the rappers entourage arrive..all white dudes who resemble a young Slim Shady.

Miranda seems to know all of them. She greets everyone with equal enthusiasm.

Every time one of them enters the apartment David makes an effort to shake hands or even fist bump which are rebuffed by the entourage. He doesn’t know which one MC Milky Tea is.

Finally, a middle-aged black man walks through the door. He is balding and has a ragged goatee.

Miranda: Hey!
MCMT: Hey Baby! How you doin?
David: Hi There, I’m David.
MCMT: Yes, you are.
Miranda: How was the flight?
MCMT: Long...and Hard...but we handled it....You know I’m sayin?
David: And you are...?
MCMT: I’m Milky baby.
David: Oh, You’re Milky Tea?

Miranda makes a face at David.

Cut To Int.Kitchen

Other guests are shuffling in...David and Milky are eating Cheetos from a bowl.

David: I thought you were British.
MCMT: I am.
David: You don’t have an accent.
MCMT: I was educated in International Schools, I was a military brat.
David: Ah, I see. How did you get the name Milky Tea?
MCMT: Are you sure you want to know?
David: When Miranda mentioned that you were coming tonight I was picturing you differently....
MCMT: How were you picturing me?
David: I was thinking you were...a Ya....
MCMT: Younger?
David: Yes and hand...
MCMT: Handsome?
David: Ya and a Richa..
MCMT: Richer?
David: Not as B..b..
MCMT: British?
David: B..b..
MCMT: What are you trying to say?
David: Not as black. Sorry. I know that’s racist. I just thought you were one of these wannabe Slimshady’s...because of your name.
MCMT: That’s Okay. Most of my fans are slimshadies. I know it must be weird having me over since Miranda and I...
David: Yeah. Yeah. It’s fine. I’m cool with it.
MCMT: We’ve been intimate. But to be honest, I’m not as young as I once was and when she told she was late on her period.
David: Late? On her period?
MCMT: I said, I’d always be there for her. It turns out it was nothing. But it did bring us closer together in a profound way.
David: Okay. Would you excuse me? I just need to recooperate. I just need to recooperate.

—-Dan Linley enters the party

Cut To

Dan: David Cooper!
David: Dan Linley.
Dan: Blessings be upon you on this festive occasion.
David: A little pretentious but I’ll excuse it this once.
Dan: I’m knowingly pretentious. It’s part of my schtick. There’s a difference.
David: I don’t know where the schtick starts and the schtick ends.
Dan: It’s a fine line, my friend.
David: It’s a line drawn with invisible ink.

Miranda: David, do you mind restocking the ice bucket?
David: If it puts the party on ice.
Miranda: Ice ice baby.
David: Have the boys from Chabad arrived yet?
Miranda: Not yet but Andrea the bike messenger is here and there’s Jack and Felicia chatting her up.
Dan Linley: This party is like
the good ol’ day’s of Solomon’s temple.
David: Would you believe this guy?
Miranda: Dan, you and I are honorary Israelites. It’s fine. Pay no attention.
David: This isn’t a fashion accessory. It’s 3000 years...
Miranda and Dan (in unison): 3000 years!

The bike messenger Andrea pulls David out of conversation.
Andrea: Hey David...over here!
David: Amen...sorry I have to leave this Semitic circle jerk. Would you excuse me?

—David ambles over to Andrea—-Jack and Felicia hover nearby.

Andrea: Hey man!
David: Hey, glad you could make it.
Andrea: I love your friends. There so cool.
David: Friends? What friends? Anyways, I’m just glad you are enjoying yourself.
Andrea: Remember I said I would bring some treats for the party?
David: From your delivery service, right.
Andrea: I work for a “Delivery” service if you know what I mean…Anyways, here are the little blushing babies..

Andrea lifts up a tray of delicious, moist peanut butter and chocolate brownies.

David: Thanks for the party favours! What’s in them?
Andrea: High-Grade hashish. Plus there flowerless!! Whatup?? Right. Passover-Approved!
David: Wonderful. Why don’t we put them over in the corner of the kitchen. Okay?
Andrea: You got it!
David announces to the crowd: Brownies! We got brownies! Everybody!!

—everyone reacts positively

MC Milky Tea: Brownies! Since I’m the only brownie here I might as well partake.

Cut To Int. Dining Room

The seder table is being set people are sitting around the table against the walls.

David: Now that we’re all here, you may be seated.

No one listens.

David: Grab some chair! Everybody.
Dan Linley: May I have your attention please? (Tapping a wine glass). It’s time to begin this beautiful ritual.
Miranda: Apologies in advance for anyone who has any gluten sensitivity. There is a gluten free platter in the kitchen.
David: May the Seder begin.

—-the lights cut off—-and go on again

David winks at Andrea who is flicking the light.

David: Oh my, do you see that? Wow. Somethings missing...there’s been a theft in this apartment!


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